Honestly, this hit hard today. I remember from a very young age having to fight to be loved. Before being adopted I remember feeling so alone all the time. Mom was off drunk or sleeping and all I had was my 2 brothers. Growing up we didn’t have a mom who would hold us and love us or show up to our school plays or concerts. I remember when I turned 18 and moved out I had just gotten engaged to Reed and went to her house to visit. One of my younger siblings answered the door and I was told that I couldn’t come inside to visit. Mom “didn’t feel good”. That is the excuse that was used when she didn’t want to talk on the phone or visit with someone. We heard it our whole lives. Shortly after getting married I had gotten pregnant with Jace. I again drove to talk to Donna (mom) because I wanted to share my exciting news and also have my mom help me better understand my body during pregnancy but again I got turned away and got told that because I was Nancy’s daughter I wasn’t wanted and my children will be pieces of shit like me and the rest of my family. I then started having nightmares of that bitch trying to literally kill my child while I was pregnant.
A few days ago, I got a call from someone in Texas trying to reach Donna for an urgent matter. I let him know that I would try and contact her and have her get in touch with him. I tried to call with no answer. I then drove up to her house and LITERALLY ended up having a panic attack. I had to talk myself into walking to the front door and talking to her. Seeing her come to the door was PTSD!! I wanted to run... so fast. She opened the door and the first thing she says is.... "Are you Raquel?..." YEP it's me. Suprise... Then she said her FAMOUSE lines..... "Can you come back another time? I don't feel good today." I just let her know why I was there and to call this dude. She started crying and shut the door...... Moral of the story... I got the closure I needed. I knew going there I was going to get hurt. But for THE FIRST TIME I didn't cry. I didn't let her cold heart hurt me.
I have finally realized that you Do Not need to fight to to be loved. Especially by your own mother.
