My momma gained her wings.

 Another year has come and gone. I recently went through a VERY hard goodbye in life and it brought back my blog and how important it is to continue to write my story and stay on top of my depression. I find that writing this is SO VERY therapeutic for me.

 On Friday August 12, 2022 @ 2PM we lost our mom (Birth mom). 

Obituary Below:

Our Dear Mother, Nancy Ann Floyd, Passed away surrounded by her children on Friday, August 12th, 2022 at the age of 59 after a long battle with COPD and many other health-related problems.

She was born on July 27, 1963, in Inglewood, California to Donna Myrel Poteet Spencer, and Craig Floyd. She leaves behind Her Mother (Donna) her Sister (Terry Burgess) her brother (Randy Floyd) her children (Danielle Hamilton), (Christopher Shipe), (Raquel Hannig), (Jordan Atherley), and (Jesse Spencer). She also leaves behind 14 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren. She is Preceded in death by her Father (Craig Floyd), her brother (Donnie Maxwell), and her grandmother and grandfather (Edna & William McCombs).

Nancy loved her siblings and other loved ones more than they will ever know! Nancy had a great love for tall beautiful Palm trees and the ocean. She had 3 cats at home that were her life and spoiled them very much! She lived each day to see her children and grandchildren smile and get along!

The family would like to express gratitude to Nancy’s Case Manager at IHC for helping to navigate her care through Nancy’s many medical issues throughout the years!

Isn't she just BEAUTIFUL?

That is MY MOMMY!!

Even though mamma wasn't in my life a whole lot through my younger years, I do cherish the last 13 years I got to have her in mine and my children's life.

At age 18 once I had moved out and I had started to reconnect with my birth parents. I had a mom FINALLY. Someone who would comfort me when I needed it. Mom called all the time to check in on me and see how her grand babies were doing. 

Mom and I had our differences through out the years but we always came back to each other with love and understanding. 

At my mammas funeral meant I had to face my fears and be there not only for my siblings but my grandmother (Donna). 

I actually handled it VERY VERY well. I greeted with a hug and we cried together. I do feel like I have healed through a lot of my traumas and forgiven her. Yes I do still have flash backs that I need to get through but overall the anxiety of seeing her has gone away. It only took 13 years. 

This is the first picture I took with my mom after turning 18. 

Here are some other pics of my mom with her children and grandchildren. 

 

I got the honor to speak at moms funeral and I felt her spirit so strong it was rough to keep myself together. But I did it. 

Here is a copy of my talk. 

For those of you who don’t know who I am, I am Raquel or Tori as some may remember and I am Nancy’s fourth child.
I didnt think this day would ever really come because of how many times over the last 10 years my mom has bounced back. We all thought she’d live forever. She definitely had more than 9 lives.
Now…. I’m grateful she is at peace, but what I would give to hear her tell me one last time“Raquel… be nice to your brother.” Aka… Jesse.
I liked to tell mom that her ugly child was coming over or the ugly child is on the phone and Jesse Would always pipe in and tell her that hes the favorite and best looking… She would always laugh and tell us both be nice to each other.

The day mom passed it started down pouring rain, and today as it was starting to rain I decided to look up the meaning of rain after death and I found this,
Victorians believed if it rained after there had been a death, the rain signified a cleansing of the soul of the deceased. The arrival of the rain meant the soul was moving on to the next life, since in nature rain always brings new plant life and growth.

Nicknames we had for mom were….
Grammy pants
Moooma
When she was being grumpy and stubborn Danielle and Jesse liked to call her by her name Nancy.

Things my mom loved were…..her love for palm trees. I couldn’t go to St. George, Florida or California without mom saying send me a picture of a palm tree. I can say I never let her down. She asked for 1 and I sent 10. I came home from Florida and surprised her with a baby palm tree and the look on her face was priceless. I’m pretty sure I earned the favorite child title with that one. Sorry Jess.
Mom would always tell me how her ex husbands would bring home animals without asking and she’d get stuck caring for them but later they became her best friends. Her most recent surprise fir babies were her 2 birds Tiko and Pablo and her 3 cats Simba, Callie and Bitz. Those 3 cats be came her entire world. The last 4 months In And out of the hospital there wasn’t a phone call or conversation that she wasn’t asking about her cats. Making sure they were getting fed and loved. I’d tell her yes and she never believed me because she’d ask Danielle to go down and double check.

She also had a love for Brooks and Dunn. I remember growing up watching her dance in the mirror while putting on makeup and jamming out to it. Her dance moves weren’t the greatest but she made them look good.

Something some may not know about my mom is her love for Pitbull. He is a Mexican R&B artist that stole her heart many years ago.

The last 8 months living at home and helping Danielle and Andy take care of mom we couldn’t get her to eat much other than her pies, coffee and Diet Coke.
Now mom was nuts when it came to her coffee creamer. It HAD to be white chocolate raspberry creamer and when she would send you to the store for it and you’d come back saying they didn’t have it she’d Ask you what Walmart you went to specifically because the only one you can find it at is the Walmart between Pleasant Grove and American Fork and if they didn’t have it you clearly didn’t look hard enough and it was the end of the world.

You’d ask her what she wanted to eat and she’d tell you a cherry pie. I truly believe that’s all she ate the last 8 months.

And if you didn’t know about the Diet Coke addiction… it was real for my mom. Didn’t matter day or night that women wanted a cold Diet Coke. I’m almost 100% positive that her last fluid she had was her Diet Coke.

Along with the diet Coke addiction was her Kleenex addiction. She could clean out a box of Kleenex tissues in 24 hours.

Some things I’ve found that I’ve gotten from my mom are…
1. The DARK circles under my eyes that make it look like I’ve been on a binger for days….
2. The Nancy face. For those that don’t know what that is…. Well when she would focus or sleep her mouth dropped into a frowny face, and I used to think what the hell.. why does she do that.
3. The bones. Her and grandma are twisting and they’ve shared the love with me. My poor husband.

Grandkids. My momma loved every single one of her grand babies. She took so much pride in her beautiful and handsome grandchildren.
She was the grandma that would take a painting from her grandson and frame it and hang it even if it was just scribbles.
She has a special relationship with each child differently.
I loved watching her love my boys. When she first met my oldest Jace she was in prison and the instant connection and love that she had for him was beautiful. He loved his grandma so much. They spent so much time together and he would go over and sleep over with her and I know how much she enjoyed those times.

I asked some of the grandkids to share with me a favorite memory of grandma.

Jaces was waking up early in the morning when grandma lived above us and doing dishes with her.

Lincoln was every time we went to see grandma she always had candy for me.

Jaymee was 7th birthday party. We had a pool party at uncle Shane’s and grandma attended and watched us swim.
Jaymee also expressed how she loved going to grandmas and seeing her birds Tiko and Pablo.

Tailors was Going to her house and seeing her and being with her just made my day!! I also loved going with all my cousins to her house and coloring or playing with toys!!- Taylor

Her friend Terry Calder wanted me to say for him since he couldn’t be here

“Nancy, was a good friend to me, through the hard times and the good times, she was always there for me. And I loved her like a sister. I will miss her terribly. I love you Nancy. “

The last 8 months living in a room next to my mom I heard her talk a lot about her momma and her siblings.
She would reminisce on the good old days and say oh I love my sister. Or my brothers were assholes growing up but I sure do love them. And she always bragged about how handsome her brothers were.
She’d also tell me on multiple occasions how Beautiful her mama is and how I am so lucky to have beautiful women to look up to and grow from.
She loved each of her family members no matter what was going on between everybody. She would cry in hopes that we would all be able to be together again with out anger. Well mom idk about anger but you got us all together….

Melissa had pointed out some of moms posts On Facebook over the years that I wanted to share.

“Merry xmas to my five beautiful children i thank you all and love you all so much thank you and keep making your lifes bigger and better. You all beat the odds and been through hell to get there.Reach for the stars all of you its your turn to shine. And boy do you all shine. Dont stop love mom”

“i just want my daughter to know
i love her you can do it danielle.”

“Happy birthday to my beautiful
son Shane I love you keep chasing
your dreams mom”

“just wanted to tell all my kids how proud of them i am. all of tou make me so so so happy thanks i love you all. mom”

“WELL ITS MY YOUNGEST SONS BDAY TODAY HE IS THE BIG 20 AND DOING SO SO GOOD JESSE I WISH ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE AND I LOVE YOU YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY BABY…LOVE MOM” (maybe you are the favorite)?

“just want to say thank you to all my kids for steping up and caring for family members. A little love goes a long.”

“just wanted to say i love you Kel
and miss you and that little guy
give him kisses from gramdma.
please.”

I may be 32 but I still need my mom. I still need those magical back tickles and just her presence when I’ve had a hard day. I’m not ready to let her go.

I’ll end with this quote and a song.
The quote reads:
YOUR MOM IS YOUR
MOM.
Nobody can replace
her..
Nobody should
replace her..
Nobody can
do half the things she does,
or has done, for you..
Nobody can compare to
her... Only God can love you
more than she does... She's
only one person... But she's the person that matters the most...

I love you mom. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life and I pray to god I can learn to be strong like you were.
Thank you for loving me and being my momma.

https://music.apple.com/us/album/jealous-of-the-angels/1538007962?i=1538007978.

FLY HIGH MOMMY. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!

Fighting for love

 Honestly, this hit hard today. I remember from a very young age having to fight to be loved. Before being adopted I remember feeling so alone all the time. Mom was off drunk or sleeping and all I had was my 2 brothers. Growing up we didn’t have a mom who would hold us and love us or show up to our school plays or concerts. I remember when I turned 18 and moved out I had just gotten engaged to Reed and went to her house to visit. One of my younger siblings answered the door and I was told that I couldn’t come inside to visit. Mom “didn’t feel good”. That is the excuse that was used when she didn’t want to talk on the phone or visit with someone. We heard it our whole lives. Shortly after getting married I had gotten pregnant with Jace. I again drove to talk to Donna (mom) because I wanted to share my exciting news and also have my mom help me better understand my body during pregnancy but again I got turned away and got told that because I was Nancy’s daughter I wasn’t  wanted and my children will be pieces of shit like me and the rest of my family. I then started having nightmares of that bitch trying to literally kill my child while I was pregnant.

    A few days ago, I got a call from someone in Texas trying to reach Donna for an urgent matter. I let him know that I would try and contact her and have her get in touch with him. I tried to call with no answer. I then drove up to her house and LITERALLY ended up having a panic attack. I had to talk myself into walking to the front door and talking to her. Seeing her come to the door was PTSD!! I wanted to run... so fast. She opened the door and the first thing she says is.... "Are you Raquel?..."  YEP it's me. Suprise... Then she said her FAMOUSE lines..... "Can you come back another time? I don't feel good today." I just let her know why I was there and to call this dude. She started crying and shut the door...... Moral of the story... I got the closure I needed. I knew going there I was going to get hurt. But for THE FIRST TIME I didn't cry. I didn't let her cold heart hurt me. 

I have finally realized that you Do Not need to fight to to be loved. Especially by your own mother. 

"Why are you depressed?"

I HATE that question. It gets my mind thinking again about why I am depressed and what i've been through and I really shouldn't say this but it reminds me how much I HATE the women who raised me. 

I try my best everyday to put on a strong face and smile my way through work and not let my hurt or depression show. I think I do a pretty damn good job because many of my patients tell me how they love my energy and smile and positive outlook. Sorry y'all.... it's just a face to get through my day. I truly do try to wake up and have a great day but 100% lately I have been waking up with migraines and I kid you not I can hear Donna's voice every day telling me how ugly I am, how I will never amount to anything and that I am Nancy's daughter and will always be a low life. NOW..... yes I know that those things are not true. I truly do love parts of myself and my confidence is only getting better but it definitely does not help to hear that wicked witch in your head every single day putting you down. I haven't seen Donna in years.... like 3+ years now and to still hear her voice makes me so mad. I am letting her into my self conscious and I am not sure how to KILL this women out of my mind.  

Why did God take Dad and not Donna? I swear he is leaving the wicked and taking the angels, which I truly do know and understand why. I also know that I am going to have to forgive Donna for what she did to me mentally, physically and emotionally but HOW? How do you forgive someone that can cause you so much hurt and distress every single day of your life? 

I AM NOT BLAMING DONNA FOR ALL OF MY DEPRESSION EITHER..... I HAVE MADE MY OWN MISTAKES AS WELL IN LIFE AND WORK ON THOSE THINGS ON MY OWN BUT AT THIS PARTICULAR TIME IN MY LIFE SHE IS A HUGE REASON WHY I AM STRUGGLING WITH SELF IMAGE, WHICH TURNS INTO INSECURITIES AND SELF DEPRESSION. 

I actually have family members that I am close to that still talk to Donna and to my face. They are sweet and talk crap on her as well but than turn around and tell her everything that is going on in everyone's life and give her that chance to sit back and talk crap yet again and put us kids down again over a damn phone call. I have personally asked my family if they talk to her and she has ANYTHING at all good or bad to say about me or my life than please don't tell me. I can't take the rejection from her anymore or the negativity. It hurts to bad.

SO YES I HAVE HATRED IN MY DAMN HEART TOWARDS A CERTAIN SOMEONE WHO HAS CAUSED ME MANY MENTAL PROBLEMS AND DEPRESSION. END OF STORY 

.  

Some Pics of my childhood.

 It's been 3 months since my last post. My life has been a SHIT SHOW to say the least.

Anyways, 

I thought maybe sharing some pics of my childhood might be a good place to restart this journey. Might help to put faces to the stories. Now in these pics it looks like I had a great childhood and was happy.... but as you can tell most of these pics are with my siblings and as I had said before my siblings were my rocks.

Left to Right. Jesse (my borther), Donna (Wicked witch grandma), Shane (brother), Herbert (my grandfather), Me. This picture was taken shortly after we had gotten adopted. When things were good at home. 

This Picture here is my birth siblings and cousins. This was the last time I saw them until I turned 17 at which I then had to sneak behind my parents back to finally see my family again. 

Some Randoms of my siblings and I. 

Daddy daughter date. 

I am so grateful every single day that I have Grandpa (Dad) in my corner. Dad was there through MANY horrific incidences. There are so many things I remember about dad and I could never say enough good about this man. My brothers feel VERY differently about him because of the way he was with them. Dad was VERY strict and rough with the boys. Dad was a very hard working successful man in life and got where he was in life by killing it EVERY SINGLE DAY in all that he did. But despite how my brothers feel about their up-bringing from dad I am so grateful that he was there to raise me. I know 100% I would not be in the medical field if it were not for dad. Growing up watching him come home from work (He was a surgeon and Urologist with Intermountain Health care) he would bring out his jars of Kidney stones that he got to remove during  surgeries. 

Strength through music

 

I ran across this photo the other day and couldn't help but stop and stare at it. All I could think about was how anyone could look at a child and be okay with abusing them mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. I look at it and I see my children. I could NEVER EVER imagine my children doing anything on this planet to make me enter that state of mind of abusing them. A child deserves love. 

The little Raquel in this photo didn't have love. 

I remember growing up listening to songs that a little girl should not have to listen too. I would lay on my blue carpeted bedroom floor on my back and just stare at the ceiling and cry as I listened to songs. 

The Couple of songs I remember are... 

Everclear- Wonderful (I would cry and cry and just wish I could be with my birth mom & dad and away from that crazy grandmother of mine)

Carrie Underwood- Blown Away.

Jason Michael Carroll- Alyssa Lies. 

So that last post i wrote about was one that scared me. While I was writing about her abusing my brothers and I, I broke down and cried and Greg couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I've never had an experience where I could see, smell, hear, and feel that situation replay. It took me about 15 minutes of hyperventilating before I could talk about what was wrong. I've talked to a few of my siblings and they think I am crazy for writing these posts and reliving those awful nightmares. But since I have started therapy I really feel that I work through things best when I write them down and get them out. 

All you are is MEAN

This song has always been one to help me stay strong.

Taylor Swift said it best

"Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?"

I feel so bad for Donna to this day. She sits in bed alone and has no one. I've thought about attempting to call or go over to the house to check on her but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't take rejection from her anymore. I can't take the MEANNESS anymore.

Cinderella has arrived

 Writing that first post last week was rough. BUT, I do feel like I’ve let somethings off my chest by sharing my story. I was talking to a friend last night who helped me realize that I am strong from what I’ve been through. I need to stop letting others words get to me and put me down. 

Okay continuing on with my story. My two brothers and I had just got taken in to live with my grandma and grandpa. Donna (grandma) was that grandma you see and you just smile and run into her arms. She would drive her Lexus she always had cinnamon gum in her purse and always had a mug of Sprit with lemon in it. She smelt unbelievable all the time. She was every child’s dream grandma. UNTIL She wasn’t. Life was good for the first 6-12 months but than we got adopted by her and grandpa. Everything changed as soon as the adoption was finalized.  I was about seven years old and I remember she had yelled at me over something and I remember popping up out of bed crying & screaming at her saying then why did you adopt us? I instantly received my first slap across the face.... That released something within that women. She was not our grandma anymore.. She was Cruella now. 

We were no longer aloud to be children. 1 day at a time this women beat our spirits down and formed us into her own personal slaves. When I say that I am not kidding. Normal children come home from school do their chores do their homework and then go play with friends until it’s bedtime. My brothers and I came home from school by 330 and instantly started cleaning. My particular chores DAILY were to wipe down all of the blinds (which had to pass the white glove test), vacuum the edges in both the living room and dining room. Dust EVERYTHING meaning walls, books, ceiling EVERYTHING EVERYDAY. A home is apparently supposed to be a museum of nice things. Then Saturdays came... Saturdays were miserable. We got up early and DEEP cleaned.... we took rugs outside and shook them, we cleaned the baseboards and vents and kitchen cupboards. We organized every cupboard and closet. We literally cleaned from 7:30-5 and sometimes even later. She would come downstairs and go through our bedrooms and make sure that every article of clothing was folded. If it wasn’t than your dresser drawers got thrown ALL over the bedroom and you had to redo everything again. 

See what I mean by Cinderella?

When I was in 3rd grade Donna came to pick us up from school. When I got into the car she called me Raquel. I was lost.... who was she talking too? Well she let me know that she was legally changing my name from Tori Lynn Fullerton to Raquel Lynn Spencer. Shane went from Shay Able to Shane Able and Jesse was Jesse Cole and is now Jesse James. I am not sure why she felt that this was necessary but in my mind I still think that she was trying to change every bit of us that she could so that we were no longer children of our birth parents. Maybe I'm wrong in that. IDK. All I know is that having that name changed in 3rd grade really messed with my classmates minds. I think up until about 5th grade people would slip and still call me Tori. 

Life as a young Raquel was HELL. Like I said before I absolutely HATED who I was. I could never tell my friends the truth when they would ask if they could come over and play or if I could go to there house. My brothers and I learned at a very young age that if we wanted any kind of fun in our life or friends then we had to sneak out through our bedroom window. One of  us always had the others back so that nobody would get caught. There was this one particular summer we were in St. George and Donna asked us to stay inside while she went into town to shop. My brothers & I got bored and went outside to go swimming. My little brother Jesse threw a rock and he ended up breaking her big bedroom window. We knew we were all dead. So we went inside and laid back down thinking she would never know what happend..... WE WERE WRONG. This is where real abuse started. She had my brothers and I line up against her bed pull our pants down and she beat the shit out of us with a wire hanger. We couldn't sit down for a good week. We all got the beating because we stuck up for each other and wouldn't tell her which one of us broke it. That is how things through our childhood went day after day. We were the three musketeers, All for one and one for All. 

The backstory of ages 0-6

A lot of my younger childhood I cannot remember. Meaning 0-6. I have faint memories but its mostly all of a blur. I was born on February 24, 1990. My birth name was Tori Lynn Fullerton. (stay posted to see why it changed). My parents both happen to be addicts. I have 5 siblings from my mom and 3 siblings from my dad. LET ME FIRST SAY THIS. I am not writing this to bag on my parents or siblings at all. I love my family dearly and I hope they know that. I am writing this simply because I truly have had a very difficult life and I would like to think that I have come out on top. My hope is that I can help other people share their story and know that they are not the only ones who have suffered or are suffering. 

This is a picture when I was 5 and my little brother Jesse was 4. 

My Mom and Dad got divorced when I was young. I don't even know what age I was. The only memory I have of my Mom and Dad together is one night. This night my Mom had been drinking and I am not sure what my Dad did to piss her off but I remember dishes being thrown at him from the kitchen..... and than the rest is blank. I have vivid memories of playing in the streets with my brothers whom happened to be my best and only friends. We stuck together through all of the shit we had been put through. After Mom and Dad divorced I remember Mom got really heavy into drinking and started using pills. At that point my siblings and I lost our mom (not dead). Mom was consumed by her substances and was asleep or drunk all the time from what I remember. MOM & DAD if you are reading this please don't be offended. We grew up all over Provo Utah. The one place I remember living was across the street from Franklin Elementry. I remember going to school (Kindergarten) and standing at the corner of the play ground staring at my house just crying for my mom because the other kids called me Pippy Long Stocking. My brother Shane (1 year older than I am) did my hair before school because Mom was passed out. I was told I stunk and looked like a dork. I HATED WHO I WAS. I just wanted to be liked and have friends.

I had two older sibling (10 years older than I was). I again don't remember much of them growing up. My brother and sister both started using and drinking at young ages as well. My sister had her first baby at 15 or 16 yrs old and I remember going over to her apartment and watching the baby sometimes. I think I was six at this time. One night while over at that apartment my sisters boyfriend was throwing a party. I was in the bedroom with Taya (the baby) sleeping. I remember the room was dark and the music was loud from the living room and the bedroom door had opened and a man came in and shut the door behind him. I don't remember anything else from that night. I woke up that next morning hiding behind the bedroom door crying and hiding my underwear from my sister. I was raped that night by a man named Scott. I remember going to the Dr's but again everything else is a HUGE blur. 

My memories hurt. I wish i could remember the good things from living with Mom and Dad but I don't. I remember hiding with my brothers in the top of the closet to get away from all the crazy people in and out of the home. I remember Mom spilling her pills and yelling at my younger brothers and I to pick them up. I remember the house being raided and lots and lots of men in and out of our lives. 

Fast forward just a little bit. Im not sure where my brothers and I were at this time but someone came to the facility we were being watched at and took us to a home. At that home we were told that we would not be living with our Mom anymore and that we were most likely going to be split up in the foster care system unless we could find a family member to come and take us all in. We called our Grandma Donna. She later came and picked my brothers and I up and we started our journey of growing up in her and grandpa's home. 

Who am i?

 Well hello,

My name is Raquel Lynn Tolley. Today scrolling through Facebook I saw a post that got me thinking I should share my story and maybe just maybe I may be able to help someone out there. My life story isn’t fun or even one that you’d smile over. But if you liked Cinderella grab some popcorn and a blanket and get ready for my story.